Ay yi yi!
The past few weeks have been life changing.
Within a week of each other, both of our kiddos entered into dating relationships with absolutely amazing individuals!
We are keeping our hearts in check, but it's not easy. We adore them both. There's a catch to raising kids to love the world though. Lizaan is South African and Ash is Australian. Yup. Equal parts delight and "oh my! That's a 30+ hour trek!
Lizaan: Approachable. Lovely. Talented. Fun. Smart. Laughs easily. Beautiful inside out. Wise beyond her years. A bright and shining star.
(We got to meet and spend time with Lizaan as it worked out that we had already booked tickets to visit Davis is S Africa before they became official! We adore her and felt so treasured by her, which is humbling and tender. She has that effect on everyone. We got to take her on safari. She and I laughed ourselves silly and went deep easily. I am honored to know her no matter what.)
Ash: A keg of fearless compassion. Modern day poetic. Brave. Tender. Unstoppable. Smart and curious in the best way. A man of honor.
(Ash & Laina are masters at FaceTime now as she is in CA and he's in Australia, but we get them both for a week right after Christmas! Ash has texted often and given us permission to know him. He honors Laina and us in every way.)
Both Ash and Lizaan are literally walking miracles. It gives them a depth of insight and life that you rarely see in people so young. Rich and I are humbled that both of them have welcomed us into the mix.
But back up. Did I casually mention South Africa? Yes. Yes I did.
It was a magical trip. I may treasure it in my heart a bit more before writing about it, but I do want to share a story with you about an elephant.
It's a story that's still in progress, but I hope you'll take it as your own by the time I'm done telling it.
We took two drives on the safari. One late afternoon and one at 5:30am. On the early early morning ride, our driver found us all snuggling in blankets and anticipation. We were rewarded with lions, hippo noses, all manner of antelope-type game, and - oh my stars - giraffes. I'm now officially in love with these powerful, graceful, confident creatures.
And then the elephants! Dirk said, "I'm going to try to get up close, but the matriarch can be cheeky and she knows I don't have any traction because of the sand on the road right here."
We began to strain our eyes for elephants.
The next thing we knew, we were in high speed reverse as Dirk said, "Oh no! She's giving me that look!" As we got far enough away to be safe, he held out his trembling hand. The matriarch was absolutely huge. She was huger than huge. We learned that she had been moved when she was pregnant which is just not done. She was now protecting her herd and particularly her calf - with corresponding trust issues.
We were all more than happy for Dirk to give her space.
While my daughter had a prior experience where docile elephants came up to her vehicle and nuzzled her messy bun, we were faced with true danger if we dared approach.
I was soberly aware that this mighty creature had the option to be whatever she chose to be with just one look.
Now to be honest, I didn't see the look. I was still looking for any elephant at all! It happened so fast. But our guide was so experienced that he not only saw the herd, but her. He knew her name. He knew her character. He actually cared about her welfare - and ours. And he saw "the look" before we even saw her shape.
I was struck immediately with obvious traits she possessed.
Power
Responsibility
Intellect
And while we sat waiting for her to move on so that we could have a safe look at the bulls who were docile and trusting, I heard the Lord say,
"Do not be afraid to be BIG."
(what?)
(no answer)
He does that with me sometimes. Gives me just enough to really let me think about a concept of His. Usually, I have a few other puzzle pieces on my emotional shelf labelled "waiting to be understood." Then, over time, I receive that phrase, visual, teaching, song that suddenly fits together with the other seemingly unrelated pieces and gives me a fuller picture.
And so it is with this phrase paired with an elephant.
"Do not be afraid to be BIG"
You see, I'm the kind of personality that says, "Look at me. Look at me." And then when all are looking, I become petrified and say, "Why is everyone looking at me!?"
This case of internal opposites has plagued every creative pursuit of my life, whether finally get my toe shoes in ballet, or the lead role in a play or blue ribbon in art. I receive the opportunity only to pull back just enough not to be the best I could be.
Turns out I was never prepared for the envy of others. I was always in shock that someone who constantly compared herself to others would be the object of anyone else's envy, especially from some of the very ones I had envied myself. (Envy is such an unholy thing.)
And suddenly, a lifetime later, I'm sitting on a safari in South Africa having a life defining moment.
So what did I hear? What puzzle pieces flew into place like magnets meeting metal?
First, I always viewed myself physically as more of an elephant than a gazelle. I was very strong and just a bigger boned girl than anyone else through all of elementary school. I was the girl at the bottom of the pyramid, the back row of the school class photo. The only one taller than me was Tim, and he had failed a grade or two. I was overwhelmingly jealous of Cindy who was pixie pretty and whose feet didn't touch the ground so that she could swing her cute shoes when she sat on a normal chair. All the gazelles hung together and were so blithe and graceful. I didn't fit.
By the age of 8, I had already inherited some really poor posture but I curled even more inward trying to be small.
I ached to create big bold boundary busting pieces of art and movement that flew off the canvas or the stage. But I felt caught in the pressure of perfectionism. So I painted small, very detailed pieces and never pushed my voice - even though I had solos and won awards - because I only truly sang or created in private places.
In every area I would push myself until someone pushed back, and then I would retreat back into my turtle shell and wait until the pusher moved on to to their next perceived threat. I let one pusher talk me out of my coveted role in "The Fantasticks" which was mine for the taking. I let another pusher threaten me out of a ballet solo. I let one crack on a high note convince me I didn't have what it took to crack the code of being a really good singer. I let a family member push me into a box of painting only what I could replicate from what I could look at rather than painting what was in my heart.
And here I am at what most call "too late" getting freed up to explore and to laugh and to adventure out. To take up space. To use the infinite sky as my ceiling rather than a cage or a box. The child I was created to be is finally getting to stand up straight.
You see, elephants do not fight for their space in the world. They just have it. (Unless wickedness hunts them down.)
Elephants don't apologize for being big. They just let themselves be big.
They don't try to hide among the emus.
They don't try to hunt down prey like the carnivores. They are content to eat leaves and do not need their "pound of flesh"
Elephants do not need to be aggressive or loud to be powerful. They just are powerful. (But they can be loud if needed.)
Elephants are extremely intelligent and listen well.
Elephants love to play and can have a gentle sense of mischief.
Elephants alert others of danger long before the other herds sense a threat.
Elephants form lifelong relationships.
Elephants are strong, tender and unhurried - but they can be fast if they need to be.
So what does this mean to an introvert who enjoys winning but hates competing? What does it mean when I need to redesign my website to become more accessible and to show my current works? What does it mean when younger artists ask to hang out with me when I feel like an imposter in the art world?
What does it mean when I decide to get over myself and submit a piece to be enlarged for the city gate and it gets accepted?
Well that might seem to most logical expression of
"Do not be afraid to be BIG"
But what does it really mean?! Yes, be courageous. Yes, enlarge your canvas size. But I think there's more to it.
I feel like, in a sense, even a hummingbird can be big. Those iridescent colors catch the light and take your breath away. Those tiny flutters gift the observer with a BIG moment that expands our hearts to WONDER.
A baby can be big. One baby laugh can shift the atmosphere of a whole room.
In fact, my life verses of Isaiah 54 encompass this whole gift of encouragement.
When I was single for sooooo long as my closet filled up with bridesmaid dresses, and when I was married in my thirties and then it would seem we might not be able to have children, I sat with verse 1: 1“Shout for joy, O barren woman, who bears no children; break forth in song and cry aloud, you who have never travailed; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.
And in my creativity, I feel like I'm embracing verse 2: “Enlarge the site of your tent, stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, do not hold back. Lengthen your ropes and drive your stakes in deep.
And as my children are launching and adulting more beautifully than I dared hope for, I'm watching verse 3: For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities.
But in this moment, I feel like this next verse is for you too!
Maybe you hid your brightest light due to school age rejection or past pain. Maybe your young dreams can't take place in the way you first dreamed them.
But maybe,
just maybe,
God wants to do something with your gifts that's so BIG it will blow your childish dreams out of the water.
Maybe we can walk together into verse 4: “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
How does that happen? Sheesh, I'm just learning it myself. But here's what I'm seeing today.
I don't think this is about how much room I take up in the realm of the rich and famous or if I get the spotlight. Or if my IG post goes viral (until it's forgotten in the shadow of the next viral post.)
I think it's more about not being afraid to just take up the space I've been given and to stretch out my tent stakes to make room for more.
More relationships. More ideas to try on canvas. More blogposts. More updates on a better website. Dancing in the kitchen with the curtains open. Being open to new adventures whether it's traveling to South Africa or to the new gift shop in town. And - ack! - just saying those things out loud makes me want to curl up with a novel and a mug of Roibos tea and close the curtains.
But the key to it all is that I'm not doing this on my own. I'm seeing ALL in the framework of verse 5: For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
He has surprises to affirm His promises to you! He'll go to extremes of speaking to you in surround sound if you ask for it.
Just 2 days ago, I was talking myself out of writing about it all for this newsletter. "Maybe I'll just blog it and not even necessarily publish it." The next thing I know, a local artist walks over and introduces himself. Before you know it, he's saying my painting of a whale reminds him of an elephant he knew named Lisa. They used to literally paint together! WHAT?!
Yeah, I know. But God likes to have fun too! He's a Maker after all. A creator who is not afraid to be BIG. And He is love in its biggest expression!
It's no sin to be like LOVE.
love,
©2024 Lydia D Crouch